What is true love and how do you know when you’ve found it? These questions are probably two of the hottest topics of speculation right up there with “Is there a God?” It seems that every single person has their own idea’s about what love is. Quite a few people think love is an emotion right there with happiness and anger.

Others believe love to be an action. The Greeks have words for 4 different types of love, brotherly Love romantic love materialistic love and unconditional love. Everyone from Haddaway to Howard Jones has mused “What is Love? It seems to be the question of the ages especially when it comes to romantic love. Is there truly one person out there for everyone that we’re destined to love? Is love a random choice? Is there any need for it beyond procreation and survival of our species?

I remember back in my teenage years the first time I came to hear about the idea of soul mates and I would lie awake at night with the fantastical visions in my head as to how I would meet mine. And when I did finally meet her that would indeed solve all of my problems and I would finally feel alive and whole. As I described in my last post I once truly believed I had met my soul mate and we all know the end of that story. Here I sit on the 2 month anniversary of my marriage with a woman that I do not believe I was destined or fated to marry. I married the woman I love and the woman that I chose and chose me but was destiny involved in the process? I love Corrie with every fiber of my being but is she my soulmate? Does such a thing even exist?

I think a lot of ideas on soulmates come from the fast food mindset that we live with today. We want what we want as quickly as possible with as little effort as we can get away with. Of course that works out great for awhile you meet this girl, she’s hot, she’s digging you. There’s tons of fire and passion and it FEELS so right but what happens after that passion dies down? When the going gets tough, the tough get divorced. At least that’s how it appears in this day and age. “It’s just not working out” seems to be the common complaint. “The fire’s gone.” “I love him/her but I’m just not IN love anymore.” What does that even mean?


My neighbor Bill is a psychologist. One day we were having conversations about relationships and he told me that there are three stages every healthy relationship goes through.

The first stage is the self centered phase a very normal part of any relationship. The person naturally thinks about what they can get out of the relationship and how it will fit into the rest of their life.

The next stage is usually where you get to after you’ve married or been together for a good amount of time it’s the couple centered relationship. The questions become more about us what can WE do to make this better? What is in it for us? When should WE have children?

The third phase is the partner centered phase. What can I give or do for you? Unfortunately many relationships never leave the first phase of self centeredness. Thus relationships fail for the most part because the people involved are merely thinning about themselves. Pretty harsh claim I know but I’ll stand by it.

I’m lucky enough to be in a, as Corrie likes to call it, “a six servings of grain relationship.” We’ve moved from the “what will this relationship do for me” stage into a couple stage with relative ease. What can we both do to make life better for both of us? I’m lucky folks, I say that a lot and I say it and admit it because it’s true Corrie is so loving and understanding and patient. Every night when I go to sleep I give thanks to whomever is running this crazy planet that I’ve been blessed enough not only to know her but to love her and cherish her.

I made a statement earlier in this post which might have shocked some of you I do not believe that Corrie and I were destined to love each other.

I don’t believe that anyone is destined to love anyone else I believe it is a choice we either make or don’t make for ourselves. That’s not to say that Corrie and I aren’t perfect for each other we are, but I don’t think anyone had a hand in our meeting each other. It was, as most things in life are, really good timing. We both were on the other side of bad relationships, my trying to be with a married woman finally stopping the self destructive cycle I had put myself in to get some sanity and clarity in my life, she in a failed long distance relationship which never really got of the ground even though she had been given the impression that it had.

We met right here on LJ in a community I happened to be engaged in a heated debate with another user and I guess Corrie liked my spunk. From there we had a great deal of fun getting to know each other. 5 hour phone conversations, recasting Pulp Fiction with the Muppets, making up scandalous sex stories about Kevin Corcoran and Walt Disney Oh God Moochie, you’re gonna be HUGE!*, singing every love song we knew and just getting to know one another. I honestly wasn’t sure where it was going to go and whether or not a sweet girl like her should be anywhere near damaged goods like me. But on and on it went. The awkward first meeting in the airport in Tucson. The first kiss off the escalator. The first phone conversation with her parents. The first time we fooled around. Yeah there was fire and passion and everything that you could hope for but it has naturally and comfortably progressed into a stable relationship that the two of us can rely on. We’re looked on with almost celebrity status at work people love seeing us walking together. At the end of the day I know that I’ve married my best friend and there is no better feeling than that.

To get back to the original question, what is true love and how do you know when you’ve found it? I won’t claim to have all the answers but I do have a pretty good thought on it. A relationship needs two things to survive and if you can find these two things than I think you are doing pretty good.

#1 find someone you can talk to
#2 find someone who will put up with all your BS

If you can simplify it to that level and remember that it doesn’t need to be complicated than I think you’re on the right track. Just find your friend and love them. Everything else will follow naturally.