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The best me I know how to be
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21st-Dec-2012 01:39 pm - Welcome Everyone
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Hey kids welcome to my Journal. Feel free to spend some time looking around. It's weird here. 
M

10th-Dec-2009 10:59 pm - Voice Post
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VoicePost Help
341K 1:45
“Hello hello, it's me it's me S M B, it's me your local neighborhood sexy man beast. I am going to help I realized this I think I've known this girl(?) for a while actually but it's been solidified after a conversation that I had with my wife a couple of days ago. She was telling me how she was driving along and she was listening to Christmas music and Feliz Navidad(?) was playing and then she saw this car and it was a green car with red roof, a red hood sorry and it was a driving around engine. So she's singing this song and all of the sudden both of his edges just wonderful visual of Jose Feliciano driving around Tucson in a green car with red hood with the loud speakers on the top of the car Feliz Navidad(?), Feliz Navidad(?) I wanna wish you a merry Christmas I wanna wish you a merry whoa whoa whoa wait wait wait no wait there's a problem with that. Jose Feliciano is blind. He can't drive a car but still it would be funny this people is driving around Feliz Navidad(?) I wanna wish you a merry Christmas I wanna wish you a fuck damn oh my God. What the fuck did I hit. So you don't know what you hit? No you fucker I'm blind you asshole. Like I said I'm going to help.”

Auto-Transcribed Voice Post - spoken through SpinVox
10th-Dec-2009 05:34 pm - LJ Idol week 7: One Touch
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I'm gonna be totally level with you. I am not really a touchy feely guy by nature. I think a lot of it is my autism and the stunted social growth that I've acquired because of that. People get too close and it's just difficult for me to relax. People start grabbing my hand to shake it, slappin my shoulders, my back, gah I wanna run and hide but of course I can't because good lord, how would that look?

I'm not a touchy feely guy but if someone learns how to touch me properly, the electric shocks of touch turn into a warm soothing comforting blanket of touch. Unfortunately it's both unrealistic and impossible to condition the entire world to learn proper touch techniques for the hyper sensitive autistics in the world which is why some do not even try at all. The genius Temple Grandin invented for herself the hug machine also called the squeeze machine.


"The squeeze machine device developed by the author consists of two padded side boards which are hinged at the bottom to form a V shape. The user steps into the machine and lies down on the inside in the Vshaped crevicelike space. The inside surfaces of the device are completely lined with thick foam rubber. Deep touch pressure stimulation is applied along both sides of the person's body, with lateral pressure pushing inward onto the body (Fig. 1). The V-shaped space supports the body fully from head to toe, so that the users can completely relax. The contoured padding provides an even pressure across the entire lateral aspects of the body without generating specific pressure points. The foam-padded head rest and padded neck opening are covered with soft fake fur. When the neck opening closes around the neck, it enhances the feeling of being surrounded and contained by the embrace of the deep touch pressure squeeze." - Temple Grandin

http://www.grandin.com/inc/squeeze.html

There are lots of us though who do continue to try to find someone who will learn the right kind of touch we need. A lot of us who are autistic seem to find it in each other. That's how it has worked for my wife Corrie and I.

I had been in relationships before though not very many. I'll be the first person to admit that I am the hardest person to love. My first marriage was a disaster. Neither one of us was capable of truly communicating what each of us needed. We just ended up hating and resenting each other for it. She was careless and I was apathetic. For a long time I wondered if I was capable of even being in a relationship. If I had the goods to make it work. When it came to sex I was a novice, when it came to intimacy? I didn't even understand what it meant. That's about the time I was turned on to works written by Jerry Newport who stressed that loving, satisfying relationships were possible for people like me. When I read about he and his wife Mary's relationship and the struggles and triumphs they've been through it made me realized that with patience and work I could find a love like that. I could find someone who 'got' me and who would understand my need for specific types of physical contact.

I'm proud to say I've met that person and we have been together for over three years now. It did(and still does) take work being that we are both autistic we have trouble communicating but we try. I am learning to be more patient and not to fly off the handle when every little thing goes wrong. She's learned to read me pretty well, when and how to touch and not to cower away if it's not the right time.

I can't sleep while cuddled together but there really is no feeling in the world like a soft warm body right next to mine at night. Just to know she is there and to feel her there is like heaven. She gives me foot rubs too that aren't too gentle but they don't hurt me either. I'm also proud to say I have learned what true intimacy is and have her to thank for that. The closeness and synchronicity that we feel as a couple is amazing and is unlike even my most vivid dreams.

I remember when she first came to visit me I had to work one of the days she was here. When I came home she was sitting and watching a TV show and I sat on the floor in front of her and she wrapped her whole body around me and held me. It wasn't too firm but it wasn't too soft either. It felt perfect. It felt like going home. That one moment solidified it for me that I had to try and find a way to spend the rest of my life with this girl.

What can I say? I am lucky and blessed to have found her. And all it took was one touch.


-If you are interested in learning more about Temple Grandin please visit her home on the web http://www.grandin.com I also highly recomend reading Jerry Newports books, he has three, which are all avalible on amazon.com
5th-Dec-2009 12:09 am - LJ Idol
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Between being crazy busy and not being able to come up with a good subject for the topic this week I've decided to go ahead and take my bye this week.
25th-Nov-2009 07:08 pm(no subject)
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Poll #1490456 Queen
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 13

Is Radio GaGa a good Queen song?

View Answers

Yes
4 (30.8%)

No
1 (7.7%)

HELL NO!!!!!!
0 (0.0%)

All Queen songs are Good
4 (30.8%)

Radio GooGoo
0 (0.0%)

Radio Blah Blah?
0 (0.0%)

I'm on a mexican radio
0 (0.0%)

I'm on a mexican whoaaaaa ohhhhhhh Radio
2 (15.4%)

uhhhhhhhhhh
1 (7.7%)

TICKY!!!!!!!!!!
1 (7.7%)

25th-Nov-2009 06:49 pm - The Call of the day
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The call of the day today was from a old woman calling for her husband wondering why a particular medication wouldn't be sent with the others. Upon telling her that the refill was too soon she informed me he was out of medication. Now this can only mean a couple of things. A Medco made an error on the release day. B Medication was lost somehow or C patient isn't taking medication as prescribed. It didn't take her long to tell me his Dr had increased the dosses per day from 2 to 3. I asked if her Dr had made a new RX and she wasn't sure. I asked why she didn't call on this right away as her husband had therepy overides avalible and she said she didn't think it was going to be a problem. Really? I mean seriously? It's called math lady. Your husbands RX has a doses per day of 2 it's a quanity of 90 for a 90 day supply. He's taking 3 doses per day. He will run out before the RX is able to be filled. Again he's supposed to take TWOOOOOOOOO,,,,,,,,, and he is taking,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, wait for it,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, THREEEEEEEEEE

I inform the lady that he can obtain a short term supply from a local pharmacy if he can get a RX for it and she says the Dr is not in. I tell her the ways she can obtain an RX(urgant care, ER) and she proceeds to tell me how inconvenient this is. Cause her husband will now have to be seen etc

Next time keep up on your therepy change and this won't happen genuis.
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I
I cry those tears
those tears that burn
burn so bad
it takes everything you have to

Sheave
bundle this and that
tit for tat
I wear my heartache on my sleave
you wear me out and then you leave

Chorus
you take the stand you stand alone
and under oath you lie, bemoan
bearing false witness from the start
I give my all you break my heart

They
They say that love
love heals all wounds
wounds so deep
it takes everything you have to

stand
stand against the storm
tattered, torn
I falling down please take my hand
I fall in line to your demands

Chorus
you take the stand you stand alone
and under oath you lie, bemoan
bearing false witness from the start
I give my all you break my heart

Bridge
Tell me lies
Just to get me through this night
I'll believe your words so hollow
feed them to me I will swallow

Chorus
you take the stand you stand alone
and under oath you lie, bemoan
bearing false witness from the start
I give my all you break my heart

you take the stand you stand alone
and under oath you lie, bemoan
bearing false witness from the start
I give my all you break my heart

-words by Mike Wise
c/o Wayward Prophet Music
15th-Nov-2009 08:44 pm - Voting time
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Folks the voting is up over at LJ Idol. THey've changed up the tribes this time since there were sevral topics you could pick they arranged the tribe by topic. THe topic I chose was Sexual Ethics. There aren't many in my tribe and I'm down towards the bottom. If you enjoyed my post please take a moment to vote for me.

http://community.livejournal.com/therealljidol/270539.html#cutid1

Keep my Idol dreams alive!

Thanks guys
12th-Nov-2009 09:53 pm(no subject)
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Due to the subject matter of this weeks LJ Idol post I would not recommend reading it at work or on a shared access PC. Strong language and subject matter to follow, read at your own risk

NSFW )
4th-Nov-2009 01:08 pm - LJ Idol week 3: Smile
animal
I've taken a bit longer than I wanted to on coming up with my entry for this week's topic. "Smile", such a simple word. such a simple act; you would think that it would be an easy topic to write on. The issue is it's almost too easy. What should I write about? What style should I write it in? Shall I share a list of the simple everyday plesures which bring a smile to my face? I certainly could do that, I could do that all day in all honesty. Listing things like music, the sound of my wife's laughter, baseball on the radio, turning on the radio in my car and an awesome song is playing. Listing these and more would be a piece of cake. However I think this exercise in writing requires more than a laundry list of things that make me happy. I'd like to dig a little deeper and strip away the pretensions and the layers of masks I wear to show you a glimpse of who I really am. Bear with me here, because we are going to take the long way home.

There is a part of me that you don't see, very few people actually do. If you meet me out somewhere you're likely to see a guy who's always On. You're liable to hear a joke or voice impression, anything I can do to make you laugh, to reach you at the point where I feel that you and I can connect. I connect with most at this place through mutual agreement where you are my captive audience and I am your jester. I'll have you laughing so much you'll fight for air. I love to perform, to make people laugh but alot of people mistakingly think that is my dominating personality type. People are surprised when I mention the fact that I consider myself an introvert.

If you ask people who really know me best, my wife and my closest friends, They can tell you the difference between when I am On and Off. Sure, at karaoke shows and meeting new people I'm crazy and goofy. As I said on the intro post I'm 'that' guy. But I'm not 'that' guy all the time. If you want to know who I really am you have to catch me away from the party when it's just me and my wife or a few friends around. I'm in my element reading or playing a video game or juat playing some tunes. I can sit and stare off into nothingness lost in my own thoughts for extended periods of time. My wife calls it my 'defrag' time where I sort through the day and recharge the batteries.

If that's the real me, then why can't I find that place all the time? I dunno. Perhaps my On side is a defense mechimism built from years of being laughed at for no apparent reason. If you are going to laugh at me I would rather you have something funny to laugh at. I think my self effacing humor comes from the same place. On the other hand it's not just a defense I AM a natural entertainer. I feel completely at home on the stage. I don't excel at small talk and mindless communication so I use songs to share parts of me I can't reach otehrwise. I also feel good when I can bring others up. If I know someone has been having a horrible time what better gift to give them than some free and easy laughter. Still I can't be on all the time I need the alone time to get back in balance with myself lest I fall over the shaky precipice of sanity I dwell on daily.

Perhaps it is in that balance. That shaky delicate balence between 'on' and 'off' where I find my most happiness. The space between who I am and whom I've always wanted to be. Between perception and reality. Not to put to fine a point on it but I think I am happiest when I am allowed to be me, whichever incarnation of me that happens to be at the given time. I smile knowing that those I love accept me however I might present myself to them. Truer friends do not exist in all the world.

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